Leaping: Committed, Scared, and Taking Off Anyway
The moment of courage (and emotional contradiction?)
How Do You Get to Leaping?
Relocurious is all about the emotional experiences of moving, from the initial idea of relocating across borders all the way to your destination finally feeling like home. Somewhere along the way, between getting sufficiently comfortable letting go of the familiar and comforting, and beginning to establish your roots in the new place, there is leaping. All that is coming with you has been packed, you have said your goodbyes to family and friends, and you are on your way to the airport. Yes, you are doing it — that is your leap.
Leaping may strike you as the obvious next step on your journey. But don’t let the emotional rush of the moment surprise you: Relief, fear, excitement, and grief may all make an appearance, often woven together. Our podcast guests have put their emotions into words such as, “I knew there was no going back” (Sarah), or “This was the day I stopped being who I had always been” (Aryan). A new chapter is about to begin — but you are not there yet. You are ‘in between’ your old and familiar life, and the one you have yet to create. In a place that may strike you as very new in many ways.
What Happens As You Leap?
A move to another country is a big change, and big changes often affect us (and those around us) more profoundly than we may think. Leaping takes courage, readiness, adventurousness. And since each of us brings a different combination of these factors, and life experiences, change may affect us differently. A few psychological frameworks may help you work your way through the experience of leaping:
Cognitive dissonance: The mind finds it unsettling when our thoughts, beliefs and actions do not quite line up — such as when we break free from routines and attempt something out of character. Similarly, for many of us, encountering a reality that is out of sync with our expectations would present as discomfort. Perhaps we have moved somewhere based on a friend’s recommendation, but while they fell in love with the place because of its liveliness, that was not at all what we had been after.
Cognitive discomfort may strike when we make a leap before having all the answers: How is my life in the new place going to unfold? Will the people I meet want to be friends with me? What if something goes wrong? Could I go back if I wanted to? If you are not great with ambiguity, research may be your friend. Read about your dream, watch videos by people who had moved there and love it, have lunch with someone who has moved on.
People have their preferences and biases, so hearing diverse perspectives should yield a more accurate picture. Find out as much as you can, ask questions, and take what you hear with a grain of salt. Plus, try to make peace with some ambiguity. After all, you want a new life, so let your big life adventure offer you a bit of the unknown.
Thresholds and liminality: Leaping is venturing past known boundaries, crossing into liminality: You are no longer anchored in the place you are leaving, but you are not yet rooted in the place you are moving to. Prepare for moments of melancholy and being sentimental about your old town, neighbourhood, house, and people. The memories and sense of loss may stay with you for some time. And until you get fully comfortable in your new place and community, there may be elements of uncertainty and worry. These, too, are perfectly legitimate and common. You will likely find that things settle over time, and joy of living your life more fully overtakes any hesitation. Give it time.
Somatic responses: The body often registers the leap more sharply than the mind. Your chest may feel tight, tears may be rolling down your face as you board the plane and take your seat, exhaustion may hit once the plane is in the air. Remember how puppies just know something is happening when a suitcase appears? Try to imagine how they feel on the inside. Is that feeling similar to what you are experiencing right now? Well, you are making a big, consequential, life altering move, and your body knows it. Be kind to yourself. Stay hydrated and get lots of sleep. As your focus shifts towards your long waited new reality, the tension in the body will gradually dissolve.
Getting Ready Is Often Not Straightforward
Several of our podcast guests had agonized over the choice to relocate. They spent a long time imagining and trying to figure out whether, and how, they can possibly let go of their old life. Then, once they got to taking a leap, our guests described arriving at that stage as “sudden” yet “inevitable.” And once they got there, some found themselves feeling “surprisingly calm.” You may never feel fully ready to leave the known behind, and step into the unknown — but that is precisely what leaping is. Readiness is not a prerequisite, it is more of a byproduct of having leapt.
Jennifer Garvey Berger, a development and complexity expert, suggests that acting before we feel fully ready helps our minds grow. Perhaps we are more immersed, more focused, more attentive to the results we create, and the impact our action (such as an international move) has on other people (those who we are moving with, and those we leave behind). Courageously stepping into action also helps us build readiness for the new level of life challenges — a handy skill wherever we are, wouldn’t you say?
Brené Brown has dedicated her life to studying courage. In her book, Daring Greatly, she says, “You can choose courage or you can choose comfort. You cannot have both.” In a move, there will be elements we can plan for in advance, some that we can easily deal with as they come, plus likely a few that catch us by surprise. Leaping is coming to terms with the sense that there is a limit to what we know, or even can know. It may also help to consider how rapidly the world changes all around us, so we will keep stumbling upon the unexpected and puzzling, whether we change locations, or stay put.
How We Leap Will Inevitably Vary
I think Kathy and I really knew we were moving when we set certain things in motion. We started sorting through our stuff, selling and giving away everything except some absolute essentials. We put our townhouse up for sale, and we booked our flights. Or maybe we booked our flights first? I would need to check. The thing is, we sort of did all of that at once. We had done as much imagining and dreaming as we needed to be convinced that we wanted to move. And we were already at peace with letting go of our stuff. We were comforted by being quite certain in our minds that we did not have to “let go” of family, friends, or my students: We would stay connected, virtually and through occasional visits. The few weeks leading up to leaping were filled with positive energy and constructive anticipation.
It strikes me that the emotions around leaping seem quite similar for the majority of our podcast guests. Barbara and Sarah both noted the moment of stepping into the unknown (and some of the people around them wondering whether they really knew what they were doing), yet the leap brought about excitement about what was to come. I suspect the readiness (or boldness, or foolishness — however it may be perceived by others) is often fuelled by agency: Yes, I can; yes, I am doing it; yes, I have what it takes to figure it all out!
Surely some people have imagined a move, done a lot of thinking around letting go, and when the moment to leap comes, they get cold feet. We have yet to interview someone who has that kind of a story, but we all have seen videos of people determined to bungee jump, yet reaching the top of a cliff made the move all too real, crazy, impossible. More than one or two brides and grooms changed their mind about leaping on their wedding day. In my family, some relatives successfully leapt and moved to another country, while others cancelled their plans at the last moment. (Interestingly, while I have never heard my ‘leaper’ relatives speak of regret, all ‘non-leapers’ have continued to wonder ‘what could have been’ throughout their lives.)
Taking a leap will likely be harder for the over-thinkers and those who wrestle with anxiety, or strong sentimental attachment to place and the familiar. The adventurous and courageous may have an edge here. Leaping can also take many forms: Some leaps are quiet and determined, as in handing in your resignation and not looking back. Others are full of emotions, airport tears, farewell parties, back-and-forths on the pros and cons of moving. And yet others are almost accidental, like a series of small actions that, one day, tip you past the point of return. Or a dream job presenting itself that involves relocation — what’s there to think about?
Some Questions to Ponder
Chances are, this is not the first time in your life that you are standing at the edge of a cliff. Big or small, surely you have made decisions in your life that required a bit of blind faith, or lots of deliberation, or whatever else it took to get you to make your next move in life. How was it last time? How did you act? How did it work out?
If writing things down helps you gain clarity, consider reflecting on these questions:
When in your life have you leapt before you were sure?
How did you decide it was time?
Who (or what) helped you leap?
As you stand near a ledge now, what’s keeping you there?
What may become possible when you leap? What would you regret the most if you didn’t?
The good news is that after every leap comes the landing — and then, the slow work of re-rooting, until one day you feel like you belong again. But that’s for next time …