Letting Go: The Space Between the Dream and the Departure
The stage of making peace with what you are leaving behind
From Imagining to Shedding
Once a fantasy begins to feel like an emerging plan for your new life, imagining can bring about powerful emotions around letting go. (For a refresher on imagining — the initial stage of the relocation journey — read this post.) Dreaming yields realizations that some of the familiar, comforting, deeply personal aspects of your life may no longer be there after you move. You may find yourself on an emotional rollercoaster of sentiments and wonderings about all the good things in life as you know it.
You may be confronted with thoughts about what truly matters to you, what you most value, and how and where you see yourself in the future. What might your life look and feel like far away from family and friends? Where and how will you find the kinds of things that give you comfort: home cooking, a favourite hiking trail, or a group of like-minded people with a shared interest in, say, photography? You may consider whether it is OK to let all of those connections go, or how you could keep the really important ones going. One of the bigger questions is, How attached are you to some of the elements of your current life — and are those a part of your imagined future?
Those profound emotions and wonderings (and perhaps a greater appreciation of life’s complexity) may be signs that you have entered the letting go stage of relocating. While some people are happy to just leap (potentially finding themselves working through aspects of letting go after they have moved), many of us do get ‘hit’ by the emotions of letting much earlier, and we may need some time — and support from people in our close circles — to process feelings such as sadness or anxiousness, or thoughts around regret, responsibility, and identity before making our big move.
Questions and emotions may (and often do) arise at any stage of relocating, yet letting go may be the stage where a lot of the inner work around self-determination and identity takes place, before real change can happen to where we live and how we wish our life to unfold there. Arguably, resolving some of these questions earlier can make the subsequent stages less emotionally charged, and more focused on the task at hand.
What Does Letting Go Really Mean?
It is freeing ourselves from real and imagined anchors like roles (in both personal and professional contexts), relationships (with family, friends, colleagues), routines (the comfortingly predictable ways our days and interactions unfold), status (especially if a professional or cultural community has been a key source of validation), and security (having developed a strong sense of where and how I, and my family, are safe).
Moving involves letting go of a lot of the familiar, well understood, and what ‘feels right.’ We may need to detach from the way things have been, including if they have been good: both the big things like knowing our place in family, social, and work hierarchies, and the little things like no longer being able to talk to my favourite florist every week. Some of these may come to mind well before we move, others become apparent in our new context — where we realize what we are missing.
Letting go may mean coming to terms with the notion that things are inevitably going to change, without us fully knowing how — or how that change may impact us. For instance, several people have shared with us that a big factor in deciding whether to move, or move back, was a time zone difference. For some, not being able to call their mom, sister or best friend at the time of day when they most need to hear their voice can be a deal breaker. Others find ways to work around this, though it may not be until they have moved that they fully appreciate the weight of the time zone difference.
The Ways We Might Let Go
Kathy and I dreamt about moving for years. Once we realized we were ready, letting go came easy. ‘Stuff’ was the easiest to part with, and we were confident that we would find ways to nurture our connections with the important people in our lives despite the geographical distance, sometimes virtually. Admittedly, some elements of what we were letting go of (such as the ease of connecting with neighbours in a language in which we both were fluent) weren’t fully on our minds then.
For our podcast guests Vickie and Jim, letting go happened over time, through thoughtful deliberation, checking in with one another, and gradually getting ready for their leap when the right moment came.
For some, much of Letting Go comes after they move. Aryan was struck by the unexpected changes in his cultural identity, reluctantly shedding the old and working on embracing the new. Anushka had to learn to dismantle her tightly held vision of what life abroad would feel like, and develop a fresh sense of identity as an independent graduate student and professional, as she re-rooted in her new country.
Sarah leapt, and it was only after she made her move from Canada to her mother’s native island of Madeira, Portugal, that she realized that letting go and re-rooting would likely keep unfolding for years, with patience and self-work.
Many people who have moved continue to have a longing for ‘the old country,’ or some aspects of the past. It may be hard to disassociate the place we come from and our interactions and experiences that arose in that place, in part because of who we were at the time. As we meet people, experience places, and try things, we mature and our sense of identity (and what we want from life) evolves. Perhaps we may find that letting go is never really over.
The Psychology of Letting Go
Major changes can have a profound impact on our life and well-being. The following psychological frameworks are among those most relevant to the stage of letting go:
Bridges’ Transition Model identifies three phases of change (e.g., moving to a new country) and the associated transition (e.g., our internal psychological process of adapting): ending, neutral zone, and new beginning. Letting go corresponds with the ending phase, where we release old identities, routines, roles, and attachments as a prerequisite for fully engaging with what comes next. This stage may stir grief, resistance, or confusion: not because we don’t want the change, but because we’re attached to what we’re leaving behind. We don’t want just what’s possible in the future, we also want the elements of the past and present that have proven to work for us. Realizing that this is a natural, necessary part of transition can help us prepare emotionally: to honour what was, acknowledge our ambivalence, and step into the uncertainty of the in-between with greater self-compassion and awareness.
Attachment Theory helps explain why letting go during a relocation can feel so emotionally charged, even when the move is desired. We all form deep emotional bonds with people, places, routines, communities, and roles that give us a sense of safety, identity, and belonging. Letting go means disrupting these attachments, which can trigger anxiety, loss, or a sense of disorientation, much like a child separated from a caregiver. The strength of our attachment to the familiar can make even positive change feel threatening. Understanding this can help us foster self-compassion and readiness. It reminds us that these emotional reactions are natural, and that creating new, secure attachments in a new context takes time, intention, and care.
The Immunity to Change framework by Kegan and Lahey sheds light on the hidden, often unconscious resistance that can surface as we attempt to let go. Even when we consciously desire change (like relocating for a better life), underlying commitments, assumptions, or fears may act as internal brakes. For example, a person may genuinely want to move, but unknowingly fear losing their professional identity or status of a leader, disappointing loved ones, or stepping into incompetence. These hidden commitments create a kind of psychological ‘immunity’ that protects us from perceived threats, even if it also holds us back. Noticing these competing commitments and the assumptions behind them can help us understand our resistance not as failure or lack of willpower, but as a form of self-protection. Examining and deliberately reimagining it can turn it into a support of our desired growth.
The Emotions of Letting Go
The journey of relocating is often full of emotions. At the letting go stage, you may find yourself experiencing a mix of grief, nostalgia, guilt, relief, ambivalence. It is also perfectly normal to fear loss (of the known, familiar, comforting) and worry about uncertainty, as not all (if any) aspects of moving will be fully in our control.
Notice the tension between holding on and moving forward in your life, examining what prompted you to imagine a different future in the first place, what are you desiring, what you value, how open you are to new possibilities, and in what ways you can recreate some of the aspects of your life anew in your new country.
Consider that even though change may seem scary ad unsettling, letting go doesn’t mean forgetting or devaluing. It is about loosening the grip to make room for what comes next. Working through the concerns, worries and questions will help you get ready for what you really want in your life.
Questions and Actions
You have a dream, and you are starting to consider what your imagined life may actually look and feel like. Who is going to be there with you, and who is not? What parts of who you are – your identity – are linked to your current place, work, or community? Are there possessions, roles, or connections that you are ready (keen, even) to release from your life? What are you afraid to let go of – and why?
How might you think about these things in ways that make your move easier? What might become possible if you just let go? Who are the people closest to you with whom you can share and discuss some of the difficult emotions, concerns, questions?