If your self-reinvention — authoring your life’s next chapter — involves moving to a new country, you may experience that transition as a sequence of steps or stages, each accompanied by a range of emotions, thoughts, and actions. We have written about these as stages of the Relocurious Arc. This post builds on the exploration of the first stage, imagining a move, in Self-Reinvention: Act 1. Welcome to stage two: letting go.
The Art of Letting Go
The energizing stage of imagining and dreaming will transition into one where you work up the courage to let go of things, places, people, so that you can create space in your imagined life for new ones. Self-reinvention brings aspects of your “old self” into the mix: attachments, habits, fears, (in)action. Welcome to an emotional ride from hesitation to elation to relief, round and round we go. Stay kind to yourself as you ride.
There will be a period of time when we are “in between places”: Obviously true in the geographical sense, but also in terms of what psychologists call the liminal space. That’s where we are gradually leaving behind our old identity, routines, relationships, and ways in which we define ourselves in relation to a place (Vancouverite, Canadian), yet our new “self” has not yet fully taken shape. Finding yourself “betwixt and between” can be disorienting and emotional, yet it is crucial for self-transformation.
You may experience the liminal space as rich in reflection, possibility, and agency:
Having said good-bye to your familiar surroundings, pursuits (work, hobbies, sports), and people, you may not yet be feeling “at home” in your new place.
You may no longer be identifying fully with the culture or pace of where you are moving from, while not yet being comfortable with the nuances of the new one.
You may feel untethered: you (and others) may no longer find you to be quite who you used to be, but you may have uncertainty about who you are becoming.
Your emotions may swing back and forth between excitement and grieving, and between openness and fear.
A Touch of Psychology for Letting Go
As we work through the mix of emotions and thoughts, we gradually warm up to the necessity of letting go. We come to the realization that the various chapters in our lives — both the happy ones and the others — are done serving their purpose. Some of what used to define us may be holding us back, rather than helping us move forward.
Self-reinvention involves consciously editing the story we tell (ourselves and others) about ourselves and about our world. Narrative psychology may help us realize we have the power to decide what parts of our story we keep, what parts we close, and what parts we have yet to write. And only we can decide what meaning we draw from it all.
Attachment theory suggests that our sense of who we are is inseparable from the people and places in our lives, and how we interact with those. As we relocate and reinvent ourselves, we are likely to grieve not only relationships but also identities. This may feel new, which adds to the sense of uncertainty and a mix of emotions about it all.
How to approach letting go? Here are some ideas:
Name it. Write down what you are leaving behind: your roles, habits, possessions, assumptions. Reflect on what each meant to you.
Notice the ambivalence. You can be grateful and ready to move on. An ending gradually transforms into a new beginning: the reality you have been imagining.
Practise micro-letting-go. Start by going through just one box of memories, one commitment, one relationship that no longer fits who you are choosing to be.
Baby Steps in Letting Go
Saying good-bye to people, places, and things in your life may be hard and painful, but it rarely means it has to be forever. You may discover a range of ways to keep precious connections, special memories, and the feeling of “home” alive as you move away.
When a particular relationship matters to you, you will find ways to stay connected: make an annual visit special (perhaps alternating between you going back to the familiar places, and old friends visiting you for a taste of your new world!), schedule a weekly video call (that way, you might see friends and family even more often than before your move!), share joyful moments in text messages or on social media.
Looking back, Kathy and I are realizing that we had never been as social as we are these days. Friends finally have an “excuse” to visit Portugal; others pop in for a day or two on the way to their vacation; and there are yet others who are eager to host us for a few days when we are back in Canada, to hear all about our new adventures. And family members are curious about the place we chose to call “home,” so they are just as keen on seeing us move into our new apartment as we are! (Not much longer now!)
If photo memories or letters or journals or children’s drawings make you warm and fuzzy, why not scan them, so you can enjoy them wherever you are — and share them with family and friends to spark fresh conversations? For me, digitizing old photos led to lively conversations at a recent class reunion. And re-reading my scribbles in an old notebook helped me reconnect with a travel buddy from many years ago.
Re-reading an old journal from her humanitarian aid trip to Pakistan prompted Kathy to write a memoir, which ultimately started her journey of becoming a writer! She is currently finishing a tête-bêche, double-sided book that integrates her parents’ life stories. And she is already excitedly working on hew own work of fiction!
Does a piece of artwork or another element of your old home give you comfort? Bring it along, and make it the centre piece of your new place! We were comfortable selling or giving away furniture and most of our other possessions before we left Canada. We hesitated to travel with art pieces, but we kept some wall art with family, and brought them to Porto on a later trip. The value of the art is more sentimental than monetary, yet surrounding ourselves with these old favourites (including a wall clock from Italy that we both love) has helped make our rental apartment feel much more homey.
And yet, some good-byes could be forever, and perhaps intentionally so. Letting go of a toxic, dependent, or controlling relationship may be good for you. It can set you free to become more of who you want to be, untethered from someone else’s expectations. A couple of our podcast guests hinted at this unplanned, yet welcome side effect of their move. You simply may not wish for all of your former connections to continue, and the distance created by your move may offer a natural loosening of those ties.
Places, Memories, and Things
Along with the people in your life (family, friends, neighbours, colleagues, your friendly florist), you may find yourself saying good-bye to places and the memories you had made in them. The places where we had lived often hold significance: the place (or places) where you were growing up, grandma and grandpa’s, that basement suite that meant independence, the places you shared with the people with whom you became best friends, the first home you owned or fixed up or where your kids learned to ride their bikes, the garden you tended with your parents. You may not have been to those places in years, yet moving even farther may prompt you to visit one more time.
Other “special places” may come to mind as you plan to move. Whether it’s the view from your childhood room window, or your favourite bike trail, park bench, or spot on the beach where you went on your first date, you may find yourself wanting to visit them again and re-live some of the special memories. And don’t be surprised if the letting go continues beyond your move. On my visits to Canada (and Slovakia where I grew up, and the Czech Republic where I was a student), I delight in visiting places linked to old memories. Even though some of the sites (like a house I once lived in) may no longer be there, a trip down the memory lane may prove good for the soul.
Then there are the things. I am not saying you should give everything away, but that’s what Kathy and I did, and it felt liberating. Over the years, we had amassed furniture, kitchen wares, dining sets, towels, tablecloths, a myriad gadgets, cables, tools, and spare parts of who-knows-what. And camping gear, replacement bulbs, picture frames of various sizes, Christmas wrapping paper. We started sorting through our stuff a year before our move. We sold what we could, and gave away the rest. We relocated with two suitcases each, plus our laptops and camera gear. We were eager to furnish our future home in a minimalist style. (But if you must know, we snuck a couple of favourite boardgames into our suitcases. Was it irrational? Maybe. Comforting? 100%!)
You may have more to consider. Some items may simply be very special to you. The act of letting go may not apply to your coin collection, a wall of vinyls, a showroom of bikes, or a gathering of little treasures from around the world. You decide what’s dear to you and what you will travel with (or what you will ship). If you decide to move with furniture, vehicles, outdoor gear, etc., your situation is simply different from ours. We know people who moved with a lot, and others who let go of nearly everything they had. Either option may fit what you are after, and neither may be easy or emotion-free.
Questions to Ponder
How does who I intend to be help me decide what to let go of, and what to keep?
What do I most resist letting go of, and why?
What identities have I outgrown but still cling to for a sense of safety or comfort?
What emotions surface when I imagine leaving this chapter behind: sadness, relief, guilt, gratitude?
What might open up if I travelled lighter, both materially and emotionally?
Which object, habit, or belief could I release as a rehearsal for larger change?
And Now, The ‘Act’ Part
There is no universal recipe for reinventing one’s life. The idea is to get clear on what you want your life to be, let go of aspects — connections, roles, things — that are no longer serving you, and then boldly author the next chapter. Just as you had fondly imagined it. Letting go is not easy, but it helps you make room for what matters most. Ready to take action? What connection, memory, or thing you will let go of today?
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Loving the digitizing old photos idea!