The Surprising Psychology of Surprises
Making the most of the unexpected moments
Kathy and I enjoy planning little surprises for each other, yet we both can get a bit stressed when we are on the receiving end of a well-intentioned surprise. So when we plan a date night out, we do it together, we put the event into our shared calendar, and the positive anticipation can start! Planning together helps us remove the uncertainty around how much walking is involved, what to wear, or which camera lens to bring.
Most of us probably welcome pleasant surprises (a bouquet of flowers ‘just because,’ or a promotion at work), and we try to avoid the unwanted ones (a flat tire, or losing a job). Sometimes how we respond may depend on the amount of uncertainty a surprise brings. If you care about being comfortable, dry, Instagram ready, or you prefer not to stand out, you may want to choose the right shoes for the occasion (“Is it a hike, or romantic dinner?”). You may be someone who is super easy going about these kinds of things, but we don’t all handle uncertainty, discomfort, and attention the same way.
Other individual differences may also kick in: Your partner’s response to receiving flowers may be different from what you had intended or envisioned: “How much did you spend on these!?” would be a classic joy killer response. Not necessarily intended to be so (we’ll explore more below), yet squashing the thoughtful gesture nonetheless. And even in the case of being let go, you may surprise your soon-to-be-former boss with, “Thank you! I have been miserable here, I just didn’t have the guts to quit!”
What else causes us to respond to surprises the way we do? I offer several angles and considerations below, along with a few related psychological constructs and frameworks. BTW, I have inserted these in italics — so if you find the psychology language distracting or annoying, just ignore the italicized text. But if the science behind surprises intrigues you, and you are ready to immerse in some of it more deeply, the italicized phrases will help you discover a ton more online!
The first angle that comes to mind has to do with how different we are as persons. Our varied personalities can make conversations richer and social events fun, yet the variability can also bring about misunderstandings and tension. For someone who believes life (especially the bad stuff) is “happening to” them (they have an external locus of control), unexpected events will evoke a sense of helplessness. The opposite to that (internal locus of control) would be a person who believes that at least some aspects of their life are firmly within their control, and they may view surprises as welcome, stimulating challenges or puzzles. For someone with a neurotic side, any surprise may prompt a strong, even unpredictable reaction, as it’s a disruption to the familiar, and disruption may lead to chaos, and chaos is overwhelming as it cannot really be managed. I am simplifying, but you get the idea. When we are open to experiences and our personality does not immediately prompt us to interpret all new things as scary and dangerous, we will have an easier time embracing the unexpected and enjoying the novel. Personalities do not change dramatically over time, yet being mindful of our tendencies can help.
How we interpret emotions will influence how we respond to events (Lazarus’s appraisal theory). Having a sense that we can “do something about it,” or manage what’s next (perceived control) may draw us closer to what’s new and surprising (remember the job loss event?). If I have the emotional and practical resources (coping potential) to deal with what’s happening, my response is likely to be on the constructive side. And obviously, whether I find an event helpful or hurtful to me (more precisely, whether I expect the event’s outcome to evoke positive or negative emotions in me), or to someone or something I care about deeply (relevance to goals or values), may affect the nature and strength of my response. While both partners may care about nurturing their relationship and saving for the future, each may place different weights on these two goals. This may then cause one partner to appraise the gift of flowers as romantic (goal-aligned), while the other interprets it as a wasteful extravagance (goal-discordant). Noticing how other people interpret emotions can offer clues as to the actions to take, or avoid.
A powerful factor that impacts how we respond to surprises has to do with how we have learned to keep ourselves safe and secure in vulnerable situations. This is known as attachment style, and it’s a protective mechanism that most of us develop before we grow into independent adults (attachment theory). If growing up, you experienced lots of stable, predictable, caring connections through which you felt safe (secure attachment), you will likely interpret new situations, including challenging surprises, both as manageable and as opportunities for you to grow. If those early life experiences were less stable or predictable, and you didn’t always feel protected and safe as a result, you may view even positive surprises with suspicion, fearing that what’s good about them won’t last (anxious attachment). And if you have learned to avoid keeping your hopes up for good things coming your way, because perhaps that’s not how you experienced the world earlier in life, you may downplay or downright dismiss the emotional significance of surprises (potential joy) altogether (avoidant attachment). Do you recognize one of these tendencies in you? Rather than acting on your first impulse, analyzing how an unexpected situation may affect you may lead to a more measured response.
Another fascinating angle has to do with how we integrate particular events into the story we tell others (and ourselves) about our life. Someone with a fixed mindset may believe they have to endure whatever comes their way (survive it, let it pass) without considering how they themselves might change or grow in the process (such as by learning how to overcome a new challenge). A person with a growth mindset, on the other hand, likely will be energized even by what may initially seem like unpleasant surprises, seeing those as welcome challenges and opportunities for learning and expanding their thinking (cognitive framing). If you are someone who tells yourself (and others) that you are resilient and will always find a way to overcome difficulties in life (narrative identity), you may instinctively interpret such adversity as fuel for your next life chapter (“The universe is nudging me toward something better”). You may be someone who tells yourself the story that you are not cut out for travelling — or you may tell yourself that immersing in different cultures and expanding your horizons is good for you. So which is it — and what would be the cost of not opening up to new possibilities?
And finally, there is the element of cultural conditioning in our life histories. Someone who has grown up around strongly held cultural norms around deservingness, modesty, sacrifice or luck will likely notice these values affecting how they handle surprises. A person may experience receiving a bouquet of flowers with a sense of intense unease, even guilt, if they had been conditioned to interpret such a gift as unearned or undeserved, or if overall they see themselves as unworthy of such a gesture or attention. Then again, another individual may (for cultural, developmental, or other reasons, including life trauma and the urge to prove their worthiness to the world) have an ingrained belief that they are the one deserving a raise or promotion, with little consideration given to their relative performance, contribution, or seniority within a team. Is there a space between such two positions where you can both honour the values you hold dearly, and gently step towards authoring your life’s next chapter for yourself?
Each of us is unique, and encountering unexpected situations or events may prompt us to think and act differently. Our response — whether we tend to react strongly and emotionally, or take a more measured and considered approach — will likely be moderated by the context and the specifics of each situation (objective, observed reality), how we interpret those (our subjective thoughts, evaluations, and judgments), and what emotions these evoke in us (mad, sad, glad, afraid). While the events around us are what they are, the thoughts and emotions that we experience as a result are unique to each of us. Even when I find something to be a ‘surprise,’ that is just my perception of the event: Someone else may have seen the event coming, or perhaps they were involved in making it happen, so how they think and feel about it may be quite different from how I experience it. The magnitude of the surprise will also often play a role in our interpretations and resulting actions (not getting flowers vs. not getting a mortgage).
By considering separately the observed reality (being presented with flowers), the thoughts that this reality evokes (“You thought of me!” vs. “You big spender!”), and the emotions that arise (glad vs. mad), we can help ourselves respond more thoughtfully and intentionally. “I love when you think of me and bring me flowers, these are beautiful!” would not only express my appreciation for the gesture; the encouraging tone would likely lead to more flower surprises in the future. If I would rather that we stay focused on saving money, my (still positive) response might include a slight redirect: “I love fresh flowers — what if we planted some in our garden, so we can enjoy them often and save a bit of money?” (The Experience Cube framework).
How do these dispositions and tendencies around surprises translate into the context of moving to a new country? Here are some surprises that our podcast guests had encountered, and ways in which they responded:
Jim and Vickie: Jim noted that even though they had meticulously researched Portugal’s visa and residency process, “surprises occur.” And Vickie reflected that “there’s hardly a day that goes by that we’re not delighted by something or someone.” Surprises can be both frustrating and uplifting. How we respond will vary based on factors such as our narrative identity (seeing relocation as a values-aligned life chapter).
Georganne and Anne: After years of dreaming about relocating, a cancer diagnosis shifted their mindset to “If not now, when?” Anne was surprised by how quickly she felt settled in their chosen UK town — it “felt like coming back home,” even though they were technically still nomadic. A growth mindset can help shape our responses to newness and surprise: Risky, overwhelming — or a source of peace and belonging?
Alex moved to Vancouver in a moment of existential crisis, and connecting with people around him in the new place did not come easy. But then, an unexpected little act of kindness (roommates leaving a chocolate orange outside his door) became a defining memory of finally feeling seen and welcomed. The small, emotional surprise transformed the place into a home, and shaped Alex’s narrative identity and belonging.
Anushka noted the contrast between visiting Canada as a child (always in sunny summer) and relocating as a student. The rain and the financial responsibilities were unanticipated challenges — but also growth points. The experience led to a greater emotional resilience, and the reflection, “choose your hard and have fun with it,” speaks to cognitive reframing and making meaning of surprises in a mature, values-driven way.
Sarah and Stu: Despite diligent planning and preparing, this couple experienced unexpected financial stress and emotional low points: homesickness, doubt, wondering if they had made the right choice. Even a careful move to a peaceful, scenic, English-speaking country can generate internal surprises — not because the destination is bad, but because the internal and relational impact is deeper than anticipated.
Surprises may be inevitable when we relocate, but we can prepare to handle them:
Things to watch out for: Think deeply about your desires, needs, expectations, and mindset as you approach your next move. What insights/considerations/flags come up as you re-read the above paragraphs? Take your time, be honest, and be kind to yourself.
Your tendencies: When something unexpected happened during one of your past moves (to a new apartment, city, or country), did you welcome or resist it? Did you get upset or energized? Is there a chance that’s how you would respond today? How might this tendency shape your upcoming relocation experience?
Your assumptions: What assumptions are you making (or, what do you like to believe) about how your next move ‘should’ feel, that may be setting you up for surprise or disappointment?
Your framing: How do you typically interpret surprises: as annoyances, tests, gifts, or something else? What would happen if you shifted that frame? What frame might you try?
Your resilience: What surprises do you find most disruptive: emotional, logistical, social, professional? What can you do proactively to help soften the impact, or recover more quickly?
Your flexibility: Are there aspects of your upcoming transition where you feel especially rigid (not open to negotiating) or fragile? What would more flexibility or grace look like there?
Your strengths and resources: Think of a past move and a surprise that you handled well, and perhaps one you grew through. What helped you then that you might draw on now?
A more ready you: Imagine a wiser, more grounded version of yourself encountering an upcoming surprise. Being that person, how will you respond?
Your growth: How can the surprises ahead not just challenge you, but help you learn something valuable about who you are, what you value, or where you are heading?
As you explore these questions, be kind to yourself, and consider inviting those who are moving with you into the conversation. As surprises come your way, how you respond will impact your loved ones, and the other way around. Working through the ups and downs of the relocation experience collaboratively may help you not only resolve and get past what comes, but also grow stronger together.
It's true, some surprises DO just hit differently, even when well intended, at least for me. I like to be physically comfortable (shoes appropriate for the task, and clothing suited to the environment at a minimum), so surprise outings to unknown destinations can be stressful. Surprises at home though, bring them on! :)