When You Want Different Things
How Couples Can Reimagine Their Future Together
When couples begin talking about relocating to a new country, they may discover that each is looking for something different: One partner is set on Portugal’s beaches and easy pace of life; the other dreams of Japan’s vibrant culture and professional buzz. Reconciling positions like these, with each partner set on a specific place, can seem like an impossible challenge, compromising the move and potentially the relationship.
So, how can you turn this potentially big challenge into a growth opportunity, a better future, and an even stronger connection as a couple?
Positions vs. Interests
A fixed position (“I want to move to Japan”) constrains our thinking and narrows the range of options we see as potentially satisfying our deeper interests (a craving for beauty, growth, meaning, security, community, freedom …). The trick is to deliberately ‘zoom out’ from the two seemingly irreconcilable positions, towards exploring the interests (values, motivations) behind the ‘wants’ — so you may start discovering previously unconsidered possibilities that resonate deeply with both of you.
Thinking Differently Together: Divergence Before Convergence
One of my favourite (and beautifully simple) approaches to decision making, especially in complex emotional situations, involves two phases:
Phase 1: Divergent thinking is where curiosity and open mind lead to new discoveries. If it is beauty I am after, Japan may be one great option to consider. Now, what other great options are there? The first few ideas that come to mind may be fairly obvious or stereotypical, but if you challenge yourself to stay with the question until you have a list of ten or more options, you may find yourself intrigued, even inspired. And you don’t need to limit your options to those that come to your mind — include friends in the quest, do an online search, reach for one of the ‘100 places’ types of books, or reflect in front of a world map. Explore. Take your time. (Remember Einstein’s words that the secret to his genius was staying with problems longer?)
As new and sometimes unexpected options come up in this phase, consider how each reflects your interests (beauty?), values, and motivations. Yours and your partner’s. You may learn a lot about each other’s interests by entertaining ‘what if’ questions, without the pressure to compromise and decide. This phase truly is about dreaming, imagining possibilities, and mapping out the universe of potential options that are coming up for the two of you. Don’t rush it, and don’t limit your ideation. The bigger you dream in this phase, the better the range of options from which to choose later.
And you are not just brainstorming destinations, you are getting to know (and appreciate) one another more deeply as you explore your dreams, why these dreams (and not others) are important to you, and what inner needs these dreams may be helping satisfy. This is where new possibilities emerge, including ones that neither of you had previously considered (or believed you could make happen).
Just think of Caleb and Deniz, and how realizing how distinct their styles were (one dreamer, the other planner) did not curb their joy of creating a life together — that realization and subsequent exploration opened new doors. By staying curious and engaged, they built a shared life across several countries that neither of them had envisioned or planned before they met. And they have become more attuned to what each had been looking for, and why.
Phase 2: Convergent thinking is about thoughtfully examining each option you generated in Phase 1 to see whether, or how, it aligns with your shared values and intentions. You are starting to narrow your options down by getting clearer on your desires, nice-to-haves, and deal-breakers. Again, do this thoughtfully and with deep respect and care for each other — you are, after all, choosing how and where to live your dream life together. (This is likely going to be one of those times when you and your partner agree that if this — the systematic, considerate thinking — is worth doing, it is worth doing well, as the result will directly impact your life.)
This is how Vickie and Jim’s long-held plan became reality. Their move wasn’t the result of a compromise so much as alignment built over years of dreaming, conversation, and considerate timing. When an option emerged where all of their important factors aligned, they were ready to make their move.
How You Respond to Your Partner’s Dream Matters
Now, here’s where relationship psychology can help your exploration go more smoothly. As both of you get excited about possibilities, and you are not (yet) certain about some of the options that your partner is putting forward, remind yourself that: (a) you will likely arrive at your best decision as a couple when you give your partner your full caring attention as they paint their vision for your joint future; (b) by thoughtfully considering all options that come up together, you are working towards a better decision; and (c) every conversation is an opportunity to nurture your relationship. You don’t want to push, ignore, or hurt. You get excited about some of the possibilities, and so does your partner. Cherish your collective pursuit, and use it as an opportunity to strengthen your relationship and grow as a couple.
Help create a comfortable space for both of you to share your dreams and visions. When your partner shares with excitement their thoughts on moving to a particular place, the way you respond will shape what happens next. Too often, we respond in one of three ways: (1) We convey being supportive but we are not really engaged or excited about, or invested in, what our partner is sharing (we are being passive constructive). (2) Often with the best of intentions, we instantly point out flaws, downsides, or risks in what our partner is saying (this response is called active destructive). (3) We ignore what our partner is saying, perhaps changing the subject to something we are excited about (this is what being passive destructive is like).
As you are reading this, you may be thinking of someone you know (in your personal life or at work) who tends to respond in one of these ways. You have great news or a creative idea that you are excited to share, only to have it squashed, ignored, or received with rolling eyes. But there is a fourth way, called active constructive, where we choose to suppress our initial judgement or temptation to divert the conversation towards something that excites us. We avoid offering words of wisdom (that is often perceived as preaching or correcting), instead giving our partner our full attention. We listen to them with genuine curiosity, encourage them with our enthusiasm, and actively contribute to expanding the dream so we can examine it more fully together.
The time for analyzing our partner’s idea, even taking it apart and reworking it into something new, will come. You will likely have an easier time exploring the idea with your partner more deeply if you do it a bit later: after attentively listening to your partner and enthusiastically supporting their initial thinking. This active constructive way of responding is also known as a joy multiplier. You may say something like, “That sounds amazing — what drew you to that idea?” or “Let’s imagine what life would look like there!” or simply “I hadn’t thought of that option. Tell me more.”
This kind of response doesn’t just build goodwill, it opens space for positive, collaborative, expansive thinking. It allows both of you to bring your dreams to the table without fear of immediate rejection, criticism, or ridicule. It’s a respectful, supportive, and constructive way to grow your dreams as a couple.
The Bigger Idea
Shifting from strong positions (“Japan is the place for us.”) or a competitive frame of mind (“Who’s right? My idea is better!”) to exploring new territory (both figuratively and literally) can help couples ask questions like, “What else is possible?” Swapping judgment for curiosity, and supporting each other in fully examining dreams (rather than just tolerating them, or rolling our eyes at them), couples can arrive at better decisions for their big move — and grow together as they imagine and co-create the next stage in their lives.
Try This With Your Partner:
When your partner excitedly shares an idea, respond with active curiosity, even if the idea or location is not your dream, or you are not (yet) sure about it. Remain open to possibilities, so you can explore together.
Ask open-ended questions to explore more deeply: What do you envision this move will make possible for us? or What do you imagine feeling there that you don’t here?
Take the time as you examine your options before you decide. You might discover new values, even new countries, that had not been on your minds before. Grow your relationship as you dream and explore together.
There is so much more to relocating than choosing a place to call home. It’s about creating a way of being together. It starts with how you listen to each other, how you dream together, and how you stay open to what might be waiting just beyond the edge of what you thought you wanted. Enjoy the process — and let us know where it is taking you!